How to tell if your teen has been smoking marijuana

I've tried all the tips you get from the "how to raise a perfect family" magazine articles.

Mood swings. Teens are big on mood swings whether they've been smoking weed or not. Doesn't mean a thing.

Glazed and bloodshot eyes. Maybe, but maybe it's a cat allergy making itself known. You can't make a federal case out of something that might be a cat allergy.

Loss of interest in school performance. High school is so god-awfully lame these days that I'd be suspicious of any teen who hasn't lost interest.

No, there is but one sure-fire way to tell if your kid has been smoking pot; if your stash is inexplicably disappearing and there is no other plausible explanation.

Kipling hasn't been over for a visit.

Your brother who last passed a urine test in 1973 hasn't been over for a visit.

The local Green Party candidate hasn't been over for a visit.

But still the stash is getting smaller.

Look for my next self-help column; "how to hide your stash from your thieving pot-head teen," coming soon.