- Peer pressure. Do you want your kid to be the only one in his or her class without a cell? That's a terrible burden of difference to put on a child. Would you want them to be the only one in the class who is gay? Or a different color? Of course not. You don't have to worry about what their friends think, because without a cell they won't have any.
- Sexting. Is your fifteen year old daughter the only one in her class who isn't sending tittie-shots of herself to the boys on the football team? How is that supposed to make her feel?
- More sexting. What about your twelve year old son? Surely you don't want him to miss this dynamic stage of puberty? Besides, you'd be denying them the chance to chuckle at their youthful indiscretions when they're older.
- Getting dates. Everybody knows that without a cell your social life is colder than an Attiwapiskat winter. Why would a caring parent do this to a child?
- Cheating on exams. How is your kid gonna have a chance at the best schools when they can't cheat? There are 101 creative ways to use a smart-phone to enhance your child's academic performance. That's why they're called smart.
- Buying drugs. How do the kids know that Guido's got a new shipment of chrystal meth? Or Mustafa's uncle just sent him a pound of Bekaa Blonde from the old country? Texting, that's how! Do you want your kid to miss the fun?
- Flash mob looting. Three dozen kids from the high school are going to run wild in the Nike outlet at the mall. In and out in 45 seconds. Timing is everything! It's impossible to be in on the cool if you don't have a cell.
- Cyber-bullying. Sure, it might be possible to join the fun on an old-school laptop, but lets face it, nothing says "I'm way cool" louder than when you do your bullying on the latest smart phone. If there's a gay kid in grade nine who isn't on suicide watch yet, the other kids obviously don't have the right tools.
- If your kid's aren't cool they're setting themselves up to be bullied themselves. Or rather, YOU"RE setting them up to be bullied. Is that the kind of parent you want to be?
- Last but not least, your kid needs a cell because the future of the cellphone industry absolutely depends on having vast swaths of the public convinced that they need them. There's no more gullible swath of the market than teens, and the guilt-ridden parents who constantly give in to whatever their kids demand should keep the smart-phone wars raging for generations to come.
You want the best for your children, don't you? Sign up for a plan now. And don't be cheap about it. Ya, I know you can get some "plans" for twenty bucks a month, but that will just make your kid the laughing stock of his or her peer group. Is that what you want?
Get them unlimited everything to show you really love them. If you're not spending at least $200 a month on your kids cell plan, you're not really a caring parent, are you?